The Neurotic Wanderer

Sedona as seen from Bear Mountain (📷: me) There were quite a few things from my vision board that I didn't get to in 2019, but I didn't forget about them. Then end of the year forced me to face a lot of things that I had repressed and decided to be a little more gentle with myself, so I'm choosing to focus on my goals for this year rather than what I did not accomplish last year. My focus this year is healing , so all of my tangible goals are all aimed at minimizing external pain points to allow me to hone in on the things that really make me happy. And with that, requires organization and a belief in manifestation. I was really conflicted on purchasing a planner this year and ultimately decided on using an old grid notebook from college and just customize it. I pulled inspiration from Erin Condren LifePlanners and Pinterest (of course) to create something that I feel is really suited to my needs. I can be a little.....intense so I needed something that allowed me...

That is me. I always assumed that it was someone else, easy to point the finger at someone I don't like, but after my most recently meltdown, I realize that the toxic family member is me. It has been over two years since I lost my brother and I seem to still just be stuck at the angry phase, the phase where I am angry at the world, angry at myself and everyone around me. Everyday I still think about what I should have done differently....or what if this person had done "this" so that it would have cascaded into a more positive outcome. I feel as though I haven't healed at all, like I am just going through the motions, finding these small pieces of happiness in my overall unhappy mindset. But maybe that is the healing process. Finding small  moments of happiness and stringing them together to outshine the bad bits. I eagerly await the day when I have moved beyond the angry phase in my grieving...but until then I suppose I have to come up with some healthier coping...

This past year, 2018, has been difficult to say the least. I am not the rigidly disciplined person I once was and while that may actually work to my favor, it just feels like complete loss of control and instability. It makes me feel even more insecure and stressed out. What this year lacked: Financial stability      This was of my own doing. I am usually a really great financial planner, but I seemed to have just reverted back into the poor habits of my teens. Medical Stability      I did not have health insurance this year and have also developed new ailments. Mental Stability      Aside from just the all consuming grief, I would appear that I just can't kick my anger. I have always been an angry person, but I feel as though I can't struggle to be around people without opening my mouth to engage in conflict. Physical Stability      I am most definitely not in the best shape of my life. While I have learned to accept...

A few weeks back I had the opportunity to hike to Vultee Arch in the Red Rock Secret Mountain Wilderness and it was one of the more magical hikes of that week. It's a trail that doesn't see too  many people since it's either a bit difficult to drive to or it can be a bit strenuous with significant elevation change, depending the side you come in from. My work rig is a 4x4 Rubicon, so I was able to pop in through the rough dirt road. The hike itself was short but well worth it. The colors this time of year have really been showing off and the morning was crisp and cool. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better day. Of course there was the customary baby diaper and oddly an old deflated balloon that got caught in the trees as well as some minor graffiti, but all in all, not too bad. I felt incredibly grateful. As I was hiking, I couldn't help but think of what a weird concept hiking actually is. We are all just wandering around out there with food and water, and ...

It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can ...

So September marked my 30th year on this Earth. I really didn't want to celebrate my birthday this year since all celebrations seem meaningless still, but I was pretty glad to be officially in my 30's.  I feel like age has finally started to make me a little bit more confident in myself and I'm grateful to have the luxury to do so. I know that turning 30 can be a big deal and most people make a big deal out of it, but I just didn't want to do that. I wanted to just exist and be grateful and reflect on life up to this point. So, despite protests from friends and family, I packed my backpack and hiked the Grand Canyon. I know that for a lot of people visiting the Grand Canyon, means walking along the rim trail, listening to a Ranger talk or shopping all of the neat stuff in the visitor center (and there is nothing wrong with that because we all have our own path), but for me the Grand Canyon is a spiritual experience. Whether you chose to believe in a diety or not, the Gr...

There is so  much information out there about this place, and a lot of it is outdated or incorrect. So I'm hoping to share some information on here for those who may be interested in visiting this wonderful and beautiful place. A Little Backstory Fossil Creek is one of only two bodies of water with a Wild and Scenic River designation. The designation came in 2009 and has undergone tremendous efforts in restoration. This was largely in part thanks to public outcry at closing the APS dam and restoring the creek to its former glory. This was a big deal in and of itself since this was first in a series of dam retirements to happen across the country. While the Childs power plant is significant to Arizona history, it not longer had any use in present day energy needs and was found to be detrimental to this delicate riparian habitat. And with that, the dam was taken down and Fossil Creek restored. There are still historic placards in place to remember and pay tribute to the important...