The Neurotic Wanderer

Lower Antelope Canyon Forgiveness, especially of one's self has proven to be especially difficult for me and to be entirely honest, I not 100% sure that I will ever get there. BUT, I have been making some small strides in being gentler with myself. One tactic I have been using, is telling myself that I am worth it. This has been a pretty monumental shift from my previous "treat yoself" mentality that I had previously adopted. The difference being that while I may or may not deserve the material things I treat myself with, I do deserve to treat my body and mind kindly. I deserve to take the time to shop for and create meals that make me happy and keep me full. I deserve to look myself in the mirror and speak kind words instead of one of self loathing. I deserve to find clothing items that make me appreciate my body and all that it does for me. I deserve to set aside time to being outside. I deserve to say no to social invites and not force myself through something I ...

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...

This past year, 2018, has been difficult to say the least. I am not the rigidly disciplined person I once was and while that may actually work to my favor, it just feels like complete loss of control and instability. It makes me feel even more insecure and stressed out. What this year lacked: Financial stability      This was of my own doing. I am usually a really great financial planner, but I seemed to have just reverted back into the poor habits of my teens. Medical Stability      I did not have health insurance this year and have also developed new ailments. Mental Stability      Aside from just the all consuming grief, I would appear that I just can't kick my anger. I have always been an angry person, but I feel as though I can't struggle to be around people without opening my mouth to engage in conflict. Physical Stability      I am most definitely not in the best shape of my life. While I have learned to accept...

It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can ...

My first two hikes of this year (trail details below) have been completed with my mother. Most of the time, I am the type of hiker that is obsessed with metrics, meticulously keeping track of my miles, choosing hikes that are only 4 miles or more, how fast I complete those miles and what my elevation gain is. I am a "eye on the prize" type of person, racing my way through trail to achieve the best times. That being said, I really do appreciate hiking with my mom. She hikes at a much slower pace than I do and takes many more breaks. Hiking with her means I readjust my technique and really get to appreciate my surroundings. Even if it is a hike I regularly do, it is nice to just slow down and be in awe. She is also a real trooper in that she is willing to try new hikes that are out of her comfort zone. It's also nice to be able to spend that quality time with my mom. We see each other every day, but we don't often get to have longer, in-depth talks. When we are out on...

Setting challenges and creating benchmarks, utilizing metrics is just a part of who I am, that “Type A” personality. Being able to analyze metrics is something that legitimately brings me joy. But I have found a balance between utilizing metrics and setting unrealistic expectations. With that being said, I have set up what I believe to be some realistic expectations for this year. Blogging My brother tried to use his blog as both a method to cope with his anxiety and depression, and he was able to make some really great connections that way. People he would have otherwise been able to meet. I would like to try and carry on that legacy my bringing awareness to mental health issues and document my own healing through outdoor activity. Live a More Cruelty Free Lifestyle While I’m not ready to go entirely vegetarian, I would like to go meatless at least three days a week. I am still working on being able to give up cheese and sour cream. But I think that this is a good star...

So I realize that we are half way through January, but I still wanted to get out my 2017 wrap up. This past year was the worst and most discouraging year I have ever experienced. My lost someone who I never thought I would be without and my career never really went anywhere. I started the year thinking that I knew that would happen and that things would just all fall into place; time kept moving forward but my plans did not. There were quite a few take aways from last year though and I think there was a fair share of growth. Books I met my book goal. My goal was to read 20 books and I completed that. I feel pretty good about the variety of books I read and part of that was thanks to the public library, I’m a sucker for all of those librarian recommendations. Here is the list of books that I read: A Case of Need- Michael Crichton The Martian-Any Weir Kite Runner-Khaled Housseini Fight Club-Chuck Palahniuk The Martian Chronicles-Ray Bradbury The Strain-G...