The Neurotic Wanderer

Sedona as seen from Bear Mountain (📷: me) There were quite a few things from my vision board that I didn't get to in 2019, but I didn't forget about them. Then end of the year forced me to face a lot of things that I had repressed and decided to be a little more gentle with myself, so I'm choosing to focus on my goals for this year rather than what I did not accomplish last year. My focus this year is healing , so all of my tangible goals are all aimed at minimizing external pain points to allow me to hone in on the things that really make me happy. And with that, requires organization and a belief in manifestation. I was really conflicted on purchasing a planner this year and ultimately decided on using an old grid notebook from college and just customize it. I pulled inspiration from Erin Condren LifePlanners and Pinterest (of course) to create something that I feel is really suited to my needs. I can be a little.....intense so I needed something that allowed me...

That is me. I always assumed that it was someone else, easy to point the finger at someone I don't like, but after my most recently meltdown, I realize that the toxic family member is me. It has been over two years since I lost my brother and I seem to still just be stuck at the angry phase, the phase where I am angry at the world, angry at myself and everyone around me. Everyday I still think about what I should have done differently....or what if this person had done "this" so that it would have cascaded into a more positive outcome. I feel as though I haven't healed at all, like I am just going through the motions, finding these small pieces of happiness in my overall unhappy mindset. But maybe that is the healing process. Finding small  moments of happiness and stringing them together to outshine the bad bits. I eagerly await the day when I have moved beyond the angry phase in my grieving...but until then I suppose I have to come up with some healthier coping...

This past year, 2018, has been difficult to say the least. I am not the rigidly disciplined person I once was and while that may actually work to my favor, it just feels like complete loss of control and instability. It makes me feel even more insecure and stressed out. What this year lacked: Financial stability      This was of my own doing. I am usually a really great financial planner, but I seemed to have just reverted back into the poor habits of my teens. Medical Stability      I did not have health insurance this year and have also developed new ailments. Mental Stability      Aside from just the all consuming grief, I would appear that I just can't kick my anger. I have always been an angry person, but I feel as though I can't struggle to be around people without opening my mouth to engage in conflict. Physical Stability      I am most definitely not in the best shape of my life. While I have learned to accept...