The Neurotic Wanderer

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...

It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can ...

As part of my goals for 2018, I have been making sure to set aside time to watch the shows I want to watch and read the books that are on my list. Some of the books have been for pleasure and some have been educational. One of the books I read sort of encompassed both, Turtles All The Way Down by John Green . I have read a few of John Green's books and when I heard that this one was about mental illness, I knew it was a must for me. I happened to pick it up on sale when a local store was closing and immediately added it to my must read list right away. I have read a pretty decent number of books on mental health, some good, some less so. But none of them captured the real essence of what it is like to suffer from mental health (coming from someone who has not suffered but has seen someone else suffer). Who better to tell the raw, unfiltered emotions of mental health than a teenager deep in the confusing social hierarchy of high school? To saw that I cried would be an understateme...

So I realize that we are half way through January, but I still wanted to get out my 2017 wrap up. This past year was the worst and most discouraging year I have ever experienced. My lost someone who I never thought I would be without and my career never really went anywhere. I started the year thinking that I knew that would happen and that things would just all fall into place; time kept moving forward but my plans did not. There were quite a few take aways from last year though and I think there was a fair share of growth. Books I met my book goal. My goal was to read 20 books and I completed that. I feel pretty good about the variety of books I read and part of that was thanks to the public library, I’m a sucker for all of those librarian recommendations. Here is the list of books that I read: A Case of Need- Michael Crichton The Martian-Any Weir Kite Runner-Khaled Housseini Fight Club-Chuck Palahniuk The Martian Chronicles-Ray Bradbury The Strain-G...

In having more transparency with those around me regarding mental health, and discovering so many people that I know suffer from or know someone who suffers from mental health issues, I have endeavored to uncover helpful resources in finding a better understanding of what people are experiencing. While, I cannot totally empathize with sufferers of mental health, I can empathize with the loved ones who try and take care of or support those who do suffer. It can be a hard journey, full of triumphs and pitfalls. I think a great first step for those who are newly experiencing, have suffered from chronic illness before, or are a supporter of, is literature. While, the internet is obviously a wonderful place to start, the amount of information out there can be overwhelming. And sometimes, it can get easy to “get lost” as you click from one site to the next. So with that in mind, here are some books that I have recently read that I have found tremendously helpful and one that I did not. ...