The Neurotic Wanderer

It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can ...

My first two hikes of this year (trail details below) have been completed with my mother. Most of the time, I am the type of hiker that is obsessed with metrics, meticulously keeping track of my miles, choosing hikes that are only 4 miles or more, how fast I complete those miles and what my elevation gain is. I am a "eye on the prize" type of person, racing my way through trail to achieve the best times. That being said, I really do appreciate hiking with my mom. She hikes at a much slower pace than I do and takes many more breaks. Hiking with her means I readjust my technique and really get to appreciate my surroundings. Even if it is a hike I regularly do, it is nice to just slow down and be in awe. She is also a real trooper in that she is willing to try new hikes that are out of her comfort zone. It's also nice to be able to spend that quality time with my mom. We see each other every day, but we don't often get to have longer, in-depth talks. When we are out on...

Setting challenges and creating benchmarks, utilizing metrics is just a part of who I am, that “Type A” personality. Being able to analyze metrics is something that legitimately brings me joy. But I have found a balance between utilizing metrics and setting unrealistic expectations. With that being said, I have set up what I believe to be some realistic expectations for this year. Blogging My brother tried to use his blog as both a method to cope with his anxiety and depression, and he was able to make some really great connections that way. People he would have otherwise been able to meet. I would like to try and carry on that legacy my bringing awareness to mental health issues and document my own healing through outdoor activity. Live a More Cruelty Free Lifestyle While I’m not ready to go entirely vegetarian, I would like to go meatless at least three days a week. I am still working on being able to give up cheese and sour cream. But I think that this is a good star...

In having more transparency with those around me regarding mental health, and discovering so many people that I know suffer from or know someone who suffers from mental health issues, I have endeavored to uncover helpful resources in finding a better understanding of what people are experiencing. While, I cannot totally empathize with sufferers of mental health, I can empathize with the loved ones who try and take care of or support those who do suffer. It can be a hard journey, full of triumphs and pitfalls. I think a great first step for those who are newly experiencing, have suffered from chronic illness before, or are a supporter of, is literature. While, the internet is obviously a wonderful place to start, the amount of information out there can be overwhelming. And sometimes, it can get easy to “get lost” as you click from one site to the next. So with that in mind, here are some books that I have recently read that I have found tremendously helpful and one that I did not. ...

I had always been very lucky in that I had my family and friends, a steady job, and a pretty solid handle on who I was, and where I was going.   I knew that people struggled during the holidays, both financially and emotionally, but it was not something that I could totally empathize with. This year, that has all changed. We didn’t put up any decorations and there was no tree. When asked about what I was doing during this time, I answered with vague non-committal responses. Being the people pleaser that I am, I didn’t want to tell people the truth and have to explain why. I worried that I would in turn bring them down with me. So I plastered on my “mask”, what I now refer to as my make-up and held that saccharine smile. For the first time, I could really understand those who don’t like this time of year. We did bake some cookies and make some tamales, and tried to remember the fun times when we were all together. That for sure helped. Having some semblance of normalcy is a sor...

My brother is and always will be the coolest person that I know. I’m not even quite sure who I am without him telling me what’s cool or not. My brother was such a large presence wherever he went and everybody loved him. I have always been the more cynical between the two of us, but Manuel made me believe in people, because I believed in him. I am always inspired when I think about how he, as one person, has impacted so many lives. I think about all of his kids, because all of his students from the time he started teaching are his kids, and of how proud he is of all of them. He would come home everyday and tell me about their struggles and strife, good days and bad.   Wherever his kids ended up, he usually knew where they were and what they were doing and tried to stay in touch. Each student success, big or small, is a testament to what a phenomenal teacher and person that he was. I am glad to see the teachings of Manuel Chavez go forward and implant in the subsequent generations a...