The Neurotic Wanderer

Sooooo.....it's been a hot minute since I've posted a blog. I was working too many jobs and just sort of existing rather than living. With that, all my organization, including my homemade planner, fell by the wayside. We are halfway through the year and I've decided that I just need to take charge of who I am again. And with that is a lot of updates. I quit two of my other jobs, keeping my main job working in public lands. I've also had the opportunity to acquire health insurance and really take charge of my health both mentally and physically. So with all these changes I knew that I needed to prioritize reorganizing my work space and getting my planning up and going again.  Honestly, it has been such a relief to finally be able to get my desk in order, taking stock of all my supplies and making sure nothing goes to waste. I also wrote up a months worth of planner pages for in my notebook and it was.....therapeutic? As I mentioned in a previous post, I decided to use on...

That is me. I always assumed that it was someone else, easy to point the finger at someone I don't like, but after my most recently meltdown, I realize that the toxic family member is me. It has been over two years since I lost my brother and I seem to still just be stuck at the angry phase, the phase where I am angry at the world, angry at myself and everyone around me. Everyday I still think about what I should have done differently....or what if this person had done "this" so that it would have cascaded into a more positive outcome. I feel as though I haven't healed at all, like I am just going through the motions, finding these small pieces of happiness in my overall unhappy mindset. But maybe that is the healing process. Finding small  moments of happiness and stringing them together to outshine the bad bits. I eagerly await the day when I have moved beyond the angry phase in my grieving...but until then I suppose I have to come up with some healthier coping...

I can officially say that I lost who I once was.   There are some vestiges of who I once was left, i.e. my uncomfortableness at being in large crowds and my love for the outdoors, but overall I am different. If you are here, you are about to witness my journey back to feeling and to a place of healing. I realize how hokey that sounds, but if you have ever suffered loss, then you understand. My brother died by mental health issues. The amount of guilt, self-loathing and anger I feel, for both the world and myself, is all encompassing. Where I had hope, I am now left with feelings of loss and emptiness. I am surrounded by an abundance of love and support, however it is but a small salve for a gaping wound. My initial intentions for this blog were to really highlight hiking, exploration and adventure, and while that will still be a large part of what I post, the purpose behind it all is different. I will also likely include things that I find help me during this process, what...

Angry. Heartbroken. Lost. I am not really even sure who I am anymore. How do I go back to "normal" when so much has been lost? Do I even want the same things I wanted before? I feel as though I am just going through the motions so that my family and friends don't worry as much. I feel as though my calling has changed, but I am unsure how to answer it. Do I even have the strength to redefine myself? I know what Manuel would say, but I am for sure not the same person I was before. What I do know, is that I still don't like being around people for extended periods of time. I have very little patience for people in general. I feel marginally better when I am out doors, when I can force myself to actually leave the house. I enjoy sitting still. I like being around animals. But where does that leave me? I would just like to shut myself in. But people, society, expect something different. I am not lazy, I am just unmotivated. What is the meaning of anything anymore. MC

So fast forward to hike 22 and I've had some really great adventures. I solo hiked the Grand Canyon, explored more of what my area has to offer and hiked with some new friends. I'm so awkward that I didn't even think I was capable of making new friends, let alone go hiking and camping with them, but I have surprised even myself. I have learned a lot along the way and made some pretty drastic changes. I feel more confident in my physical abilities, despite being at a heavier weight that I had hoped for at this point in the year. I recently went on a 15 mile hike and while everyone else struggled up the mountain, my legs felt eager to keep moving. It really gave me the burst of confidence that I needed and I really feel like for once I appreciate the size of my legs. I've also done some really deep self reflection. I graduated with a Bachelors of Science in Ecology seven years ago. I have done NOTHING with that, to my utter shame. I was laid off from my corporate job ...