The Neurotic Wanderer

Sooooo.....it's been a hot minute since I've posted a blog. I was working too many jobs and just sort of existing rather than living. With that, all my organization, including my homemade planner, fell by the wayside. We are halfway through the year and I've decided that I just need to take charge of who I am again. And with that is a lot of updates. I quit two of my other jobs, keeping my main job working in public lands. I've also had the opportunity to acquire health insurance and really take charge of my health both mentally and physically. So with all these changes I knew that I needed to prioritize reorganizing my work space and getting my planning up and going again.  Honestly, it has been such a relief to finally be able to get my desk in order, taking stock of all my supplies and making sure nothing goes to waste. I also wrote up a months worth of planner pages for in my notebook and it was.....therapeutic? As I mentioned in a previous post, I decided to use on...

Lower Antelope Canyon Forgiveness, especially of one's self has proven to be especially difficult for me and to be entirely honest, I not 100% sure that I will ever get there. BUT, I have been making some small strides in being gentler with myself. One tactic I have been using, is telling myself that I am worth it. This has been a pretty monumental shift from my previous "treat yoself" mentality that I had previously adopted. The difference being that while I may or may not deserve the material things I treat myself with, I do deserve to treat my body and mind kindly. I deserve to take the time to shop for and create meals that make me happy and keep me full. I deserve to look myself in the mirror and speak kind words instead of one of self loathing. I deserve to find clothing items that make me appreciate my body and all that it does for me. I deserve to set aside time to being outside. I deserve to say no to social invites and not force myself through something I ...

So my two preferred methods of outdoor recreation are hiking and running. I do dabble in other things like leisurely bike rides with my family or playing basketball at the local park, but they aren't my normal go-to activities. I have been working quite a bit lately, but I have been trying to make time to be present in the outdoors. I just don't do well with self motivation, so I really have to set up accountability measures and tangible goals. For example, I recently reconnected with an old work friend. We would text periodically but hadn't really hung out in ages. So we decided to meet up for dinner one night and ended up creating these weekly hiking meet ups with each other. And while we don't make them every week, because life, we have been able to do a few hikes so far this year. Its been really nice to be able to talk and motivate each other in both our physical goals as well as personal goals. It has also been nice to share my struggle with finding healing and ...

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...

Sedona as seen from Bear Mountain (📷: me) There were quite a few things from my vision board that I didn't get to in 2019, but I didn't forget about them. Then end of the year forced me to face a lot of things that I had repressed and decided to be a little more gentle with myself, so I'm choosing to focus on my goals for this year rather than what I did not accomplish last year. My focus this year is healing , so all of my tangible goals are all aimed at minimizing external pain points to allow me to hone in on the things that really make me happy. And with that, requires organization and a belief in manifestation. I was really conflicted on purchasing a planner this year and ultimately decided on using an old grid notebook from college and just customize it. I pulled inspiration from Erin Condren LifePlanners and Pinterest (of course) to create something that I feel is really suited to my needs. I can be a little.....intense so I needed something that allowed me...

That is me. I always assumed that it was someone else, easy to point the finger at someone I don't like, but after my most recently meltdown, I realize that the toxic family member is me. It has been over two years since I lost my brother and I seem to still just be stuck at the angry phase, the phase where I am angry at the world, angry at myself and everyone around me. Everyday I still think about what I should have done differently....or what if this person had done "this" so that it would have cascaded into a more positive outcome. I feel as though I haven't healed at all, like I am just going through the motions, finding these small pieces of happiness in my overall unhappy mindset. But maybe that is the healing process. Finding small  moments of happiness and stringing them together to outshine the bad bits. I eagerly await the day when I have moved beyond the angry phase in my grieving...but until then I suppose I have to come up with some healthier coping...

This past year, 2018, has been difficult to say the least. I am not the rigidly disciplined person I once was and while that may actually work to my favor, it just feels like complete loss of control and instability. It makes me feel even more insecure and stressed out. What this year lacked: Financial stability      This was of my own doing. I am usually a really great financial planner, but I seemed to have just reverted back into the poor habits of my teens. Medical Stability      I did not have health insurance this year and have also developed new ailments. Mental Stability      Aside from just the all consuming grief, I would appear that I just can't kick my anger. I have always been an angry person, but I feel as though I can't struggle to be around people without opening my mouth to engage in conflict. Physical Stability      I am most definitely not in the best shape of my life. While I have learned to accept...

A few weeks back I had the opportunity to hike to Vultee Arch in the Red Rock Secret Mountain Wilderness and it was one of the more magical hikes of that week. It's a trail that doesn't see too  many people since it's either a bit difficult to drive to or it can be a bit strenuous with significant elevation change, depending the side you come in from. My work rig is a 4x4 Rubicon, so I was able to pop in through the rough dirt road. The hike itself was short but well worth it. The colors this time of year have really been showing off and the morning was crisp and cool. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better day. Of course there was the customary baby diaper and oddly an old deflated balloon that got caught in the trees as well as some minor graffiti, but all in all, not too bad. I felt incredibly grateful. As I was hiking, I couldn't help but think of what a weird concept hiking actually is. We are all just wandering around out there with food and water, and ...

So September marked my 30th year on this Earth. I really didn't want to celebrate my birthday this year since all celebrations seem meaningless still, but I was pretty glad to be officially in my 30's.  I feel like age has finally started to make me a little bit more confident in myself and I'm grateful to have the luxury to do so. I know that turning 30 can be a big deal and most people make a big deal out of it, but I just didn't want to do that. I wanted to just exist and be grateful and reflect on life up to this point. So, despite protests from friends and family, I packed my backpack and hiked the Grand Canyon. I know that for a lot of people visiting the Grand Canyon, means walking along the rim trail, listening to a Ranger talk or shopping all of the neat stuff in the visitor center (and there is nothing wrong with that because we all have our own path), but for me the Grand Canyon is a spiritual experience. Whether you chose to believe in a diety or not, the Gr...

I've done three solo hikes since I've last written about hiking. My funk had not really cleared but I was starting to feel some physical effects of not being outside and active. Unofficially, I believe that I have a severe vitamin D deficiency, which manifests itself pretty severely if I don't go outside or take supplements. So for my first hike, I forwent the sunscreen for about 15 minutes and didn't wear a hat. I went alone, in part because I went during the day when most of my friends are working, but also to be able to just sit there and feel my feelings. There was hardly anyone on the trail and the sun was shinning and for the first time in a little while I didn't completely hate everything. I took a resistance band and did some arm exercises in an effort to tire myself out as much as possible. I was only out for about an hour and a half, but it was enough to remind me that outdoor is where I belong. I love being a couch potato and playing video games until my ...

As part of my goals for 2018, I have been making sure to set aside time to watch the shows I want to watch and read the books that are on my list. Some of the books have been for pleasure and some have been educational. One of the books I read sort of encompassed both, Turtles All The Way Down by John Green . I have read a few of John Green's books and when I heard that this one was about mental illness, I knew it was a must for me. I happened to pick it up on sale when a local store was closing and immediately added it to my must read list right away. I have read a pretty decent number of books on mental health, some good, some less so. But none of them captured the real essence of what it is like to suffer from mental health (coming from someone who has not suffered but has seen someone else suffer). Who better to tell the raw, unfiltered emotions of mental health than a teenager deep in the confusing social hierarchy of high school? To saw that I cried would be an understateme...

Setting challenges and creating benchmarks, utilizing metrics is just a part of who I am, that “Type A” personality. Being able to analyze metrics is something that legitimately brings me joy. But I have found a balance between utilizing metrics and setting unrealistic expectations. With that being said, I have set up what I believe to be some realistic expectations for this year. Blogging My brother tried to use his blog as both a method to cope with his anxiety and depression, and he was able to make some really great connections that way. People he would have otherwise been able to meet. I would like to try and carry on that legacy my bringing awareness to mental health issues and document my own healing through outdoor activity. Live a More Cruelty Free Lifestyle While I’m not ready to go entirely vegetarian, I would like to go meatless at least three days a week. I am still working on being able to give up cheese and sour cream. But I think that this is a good star...

So I realize that we are half way through January, but I still wanted to get out my 2017 wrap up. This past year was the worst and most discouraging year I have ever experienced. My lost someone who I never thought I would be without and my career never really went anywhere. I started the year thinking that I knew that would happen and that things would just all fall into place; time kept moving forward but my plans did not. There were quite a few take aways from last year though and I think there was a fair share of growth. Books I met my book goal. My goal was to read 20 books and I completed that. I feel pretty good about the variety of books I read and part of that was thanks to the public library, I’m a sucker for all of those librarian recommendations. Here is the list of books that I read: A Case of Need- Michael Crichton The Martian-Any Weir Kite Runner-Khaled Housseini Fight Club-Chuck Palahniuk The Martian Chronicles-Ray Bradbury The Strain-G...