The Neurotic Wanderer

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...

It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can ...

So September marked my 30th year on this Earth. I really didn't want to celebrate my birthday this year since all celebrations seem meaningless still, but I was pretty glad to be officially in my 30's.  I feel like age has finally started to make me a little bit more confident in myself and I'm grateful to have the luxury to do so. I know that turning 30 can be a big deal and most people make a big deal out of it, but I just didn't want to do that. I wanted to just exist and be grateful and reflect on life up to this point. So, despite protests from friends and family, I packed my backpack and hiked the Grand Canyon. I know that for a lot of people visiting the Grand Canyon, means walking along the rim trail, listening to a Ranger talk or shopping all of the neat stuff in the visitor center (and there is nothing wrong with that because we all have our own path), but for me the Grand Canyon is a spiritual experience. Whether you chose to believe in a diety or not, the Gr...

As part of my goals for 2018, I have been making sure to set aside time to watch the shows I want to watch and read the books that are on my list. Some of the books have been for pleasure and some have been educational. One of the books I read sort of encompassed both, Turtles All The Way Down by John Green . I have read a few of John Green's books and when I heard that this one was about mental illness, I knew it was a must for me. I happened to pick it up on sale when a local store was closing and immediately added it to my must read list right away. I have read a pretty decent number of books on mental health, some good, some less so. But none of them captured the real essence of what it is like to suffer from mental health (coming from someone who has not suffered but has seen someone else suffer). Who better to tell the raw, unfiltered emotions of mental health than a teenager deep in the confusing social hierarchy of high school? To saw that I cried would be an understateme...

In having more transparency with those around me regarding mental health, and discovering so many people that I know suffer from or know someone who suffers from mental health issues, I have endeavored to uncover helpful resources in finding a better understanding of what people are experiencing. While, I cannot totally empathize with sufferers of mental health, I can empathize with the loved ones who try and take care of or support those who do suffer. It can be a hard journey, full of triumphs and pitfalls. I think a great first step for those who are newly experiencing, have suffered from chronic illness before, or are a supporter of, is literature. While, the internet is obviously a wonderful place to start, the amount of information out there can be overwhelming. And sometimes, it can get easy to “get lost” as you click from one site to the next. So with that in mind, here are some books that I have recently read that I have found tremendously helpful and one that I did not. ...

I had always been very lucky in that I had my family and friends, a steady job, and a pretty solid handle on who I was, and where I was going.   I knew that people struggled during the holidays, both financially and emotionally, but it was not something that I could totally empathize with. This year, that has all changed. We didn’t put up any decorations and there was no tree. When asked about what I was doing during this time, I answered with vague non-committal responses. Being the people pleaser that I am, I didn’t want to tell people the truth and have to explain why. I worried that I would in turn bring them down with me. So I plastered on my “mask”, what I now refer to as my make-up and held that saccharine smile. For the first time, I could really understand those who don’t like this time of year. We did bake some cookies and make some tamales, and tried to remember the fun times when we were all together. That for sure helped. Having some semblance of normalcy is a sor...

My brother is and always will be the coolest person that I know. I’m not even quite sure who I am without him telling me what’s cool or not. My brother was such a large presence wherever he went and everybody loved him. I have always been the more cynical between the two of us, but Manuel made me believe in people, because I believed in him. I am always inspired when I think about how he, as one person, has impacted so many lives. I think about all of his kids, because all of his students from the time he started teaching are his kids, and of how proud he is of all of them. He would come home everyday and tell me about their struggles and strife, good days and bad.   Wherever his kids ended up, he usually knew where they were and what they were doing and tried to stay in touch. Each student success, big or small, is a testament to what a phenomenal teacher and person that he was. I am glad to see the teachings of Manuel Chavez go forward and implant in the subsequent generations a...