The Neurotic Wanderer

Lower Antelope Canyon Forgiveness, especially of one's self has proven to be especially difficult for me and to be entirely honest, I not 100% sure that I will ever get there. BUT, I have been making some small strides in being gentler with myself. One tactic I have been using, is telling myself that I am worth it. This has been a pretty monumental shift from my previous "treat yoself" mentality that I had previously adopted. The difference being that while I may or may not deserve the material things I treat myself with, I do deserve to treat my body and mind kindly. I deserve to take the time to shop for and create meals that make me happy and keep me full. I deserve to look myself in the mirror and speak kind words instead of one of self loathing. I deserve to find clothing items that make me appreciate my body and all that it does for me. I deserve to set aside time to being outside. I deserve to say no to social invites and not force myself through something I ...

So my two preferred methods of outdoor recreation are hiking and running. I do dabble in other things like leisurely bike rides with my family or playing basketball at the local park, but they aren't my normal go-to activities. I have been working quite a bit lately, but I have been trying to make time to be present in the outdoors. I just don't do well with self motivation, so I really have to set up accountability measures and tangible goals. For example, I recently reconnected with an old work friend. We would text periodically but hadn't really hung out in ages. So we decided to meet up for dinner one night and ended up creating these weekly hiking meet ups with each other. And while we don't make them every week, because life, we have been able to do a few hikes so far this year. Its been really nice to be able to talk and motivate each other in both our physical goals as well as personal goals. It has also been nice to share my struggle with finding healing and ...

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...

That is me. I always assumed that it was someone else, easy to point the finger at someone I don't like, but after my most recently meltdown, I realize that the toxic family member is me. It has been over two years since I lost my brother and I seem to still just be stuck at the angry phase, the phase where I am angry at the world, angry at myself and everyone around me. Everyday I still think about what I should have done differently....or what if this person had done "this" so that it would have cascaded into a more positive outcome. I feel as though I haven't healed at all, like I am just going through the motions, finding these small pieces of happiness in my overall unhappy mindset. But maybe that is the healing process. Finding small  moments of happiness and stringing them together to outshine the bad bits. I eagerly await the day when I have moved beyond the angry phase in my grieving...but until then I suppose I have to come up with some healthier coping...

Setting challenges and creating benchmarks, utilizing metrics is just a part of who I am, that “Type A” personality. Being able to analyze metrics is something that legitimately brings me joy. But I have found a balance between utilizing metrics and setting unrealistic expectations. With that being said, I have set up what I believe to be some realistic expectations for this year. Blogging My brother tried to use his blog as both a method to cope with his anxiety and depression, and he was able to make some really great connections that way. People he would have otherwise been able to meet. I would like to try and carry on that legacy my bringing awareness to mental health issues and document my own healing through outdoor activity. Live a More Cruelty Free Lifestyle While I’m not ready to go entirely vegetarian, I would like to go meatless at least three days a week. I am still working on being able to give up cheese and sour cream. But I think that this is a good star...

I had always been very lucky in that I had my family and friends, a steady job, and a pretty solid handle on who I was, and where I was going.   I knew that people struggled during the holidays, both financially and emotionally, but it was not something that I could totally empathize with. This year, that has all changed. We didn’t put up any decorations and there was no tree. When asked about what I was doing during this time, I answered with vague non-committal responses. Being the people pleaser that I am, I didn’t want to tell people the truth and have to explain why. I worried that I would in turn bring them down with me. So I plastered on my “mask”, what I now refer to as my make-up and held that saccharine smile. For the first time, I could really understand those who don’t like this time of year. We did bake some cookies and make some tamales, and tried to remember the fun times when we were all together. That for sure helped. Having some semblance of normalcy is a sor...