The Neurotic Wanderer

Sooooo.....it's been a hot minute since I've posted a blog. I was working too many jobs and just sort of existing rather than living. With that, all my organization, including my homemade planner, fell by the wayside. We are halfway through the year and I've decided that I just need to take charge of who I am again. And with that is a lot of updates. I quit two of my other jobs, keeping my main job working in public lands. I've also had the opportunity to acquire health insurance and really take charge of my health both mentally and physically. So with all these changes I knew that I needed to prioritize reorganizing my work space and getting my planning up and going again.  Honestly, it has been such a relief to finally be able to get my desk in order, taking stock of all my supplies and making sure nothing goes to waste. I also wrote up a months worth of planner pages for in my notebook and it was.....therapeutic? As I mentioned in a previous post, I decided to use on...

I never thought that I would be an only child. And it still feels like a weird thing to say, as if I am erasing my brother. But the reality is that I am the only living child my mother has left. And that is a monumental responsibility. One that has weighed on me, both in my hiking endeavors as well as my profession. My mom doesn't put that pressure on me, I think it is something that I put on myself, but the thought is always there. I was never particularly a fearless person, but I have noticed more and more recently and I am just more fearful when I am outdoors. The most recent example is my attempt to winter hike the Grand Canyon last week.  I greatly under estimated the ice and for sure wasn't prepared enough but I had a near melt down at the thought of slipping on ice and falling to my doom. I for sure don't fear death, as it is but the next great adventure. But before, I knew that my brother was here and that he would take care of everyone in by absence. I realize ho...

Hanging Gardens (No Official Trail) I really tend to be a creature of habit. I often struggle to go outside of my comfort zone (part of that is fear which I will touch on in a later post). However, I know that variety is the spice to life so to speak and I'm grateful to have friends who challenge me to try new things. With that being said, I have create a list of trails that I would like to try this year, in addition to the trails I have found to be tried and true. New To Me Trails: Camelback Mountain (which I was lucky enough to complete with the family already) Wave Cave Trail- Superstition Mountains Hieroglyphic Trail- Superstition Wilderness Seven Falls Trail- Sabino Canyon Recreation Area Lava River Cave- Coconino National Forest Kendrick Mountain Southside Trail- Kendrick Mountain Wilderness Picacho Peak- Picacho Peak State Park Passage 1 of AZ Trail: Huachuca Mountains A lot of the trails mentioned I actually took from the 52 Hike Challenge Guide, so sho...

Lower Antelope Canyon Forgiveness, especially of one's self has proven to be especially difficult for me and to be entirely honest, I not 100% sure that I will ever get there. BUT, I have been making some small strides in being gentler with myself. One tactic I have been using, is telling myself that I am worth it. This has been a pretty monumental shift from my previous "treat yoself" mentality that I had previously adopted. The difference being that while I may or may not deserve the material things I treat myself with, I do deserve to treat my body and mind kindly. I deserve to take the time to shop for and create meals that make me happy and keep me full. I deserve to look myself in the mirror and speak kind words instead of one of self loathing. I deserve to find clothing items that make me appreciate my body and all that it does for me. I deserve to set aside time to being outside. I deserve to say no to social invites and not force myself through something I ...

So my two preferred methods of outdoor recreation are hiking and running. I do dabble in other things like leisurely bike rides with my family or playing basketball at the local park, but they aren't my normal go-to activities. I have been working quite a bit lately, but I have been trying to make time to be present in the outdoors. I just don't do well with self motivation, so I really have to set up accountability measures and tangible goals. For example, I recently reconnected with an old work friend. We would text periodically but hadn't really hung out in ages. So we decided to meet up for dinner one night and ended up creating these weekly hiking meet ups with each other. And while we don't make them every week, because life, we have been able to do a few hikes so far this year. Its been really nice to be able to talk and motivate each other in both our physical goals as well as personal goals. It has also been nice to share my struggle with finding healing and ...

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...