Challenging the Fear

I never thought that I would be an only child. And it still feels like a weird thing to say, as if I am erasing my brother. But the reality is that I am the only living child my mother has left. And that is a monumental responsibility. One that has weighed on me, both in my hiking endeavors as well as my profession. My mom doesn't put that pressure on me, I think it is something that I put on myself, but the thought is always there.

I was never particularly a fearless person, but I have noticed more and more recently and I am just more fearful when I am outdoors. The most recent example is my attempt to winter hike the Grand Canyon last week.  I greatly under estimated the ice and for sure wasn't prepared enough but I had a near melt down at the thought of slipping on ice and falling to my doom. I for sure don't fear death, as it is but the next great adventure. But before, I knew that my brother was here and that he would take care of everyone in by absence. I realize how truly morbid that line of thinking is, but that's really how I felt. Now though? Who would take care of my mom? Or my dog or cats for that matter? How could I leave my mom with no children?

So how do I get over this crippling fear? How do I continue to do the things I love without feeling like I owe it to anybody else to do something different? I am not entirely sure. Maybe the answer is just to be confident in my own abilities to keep myself safe in sometimes unsafe circumstances.                   Maybe its just Que Sera Sera. I know for sure that I need to just get out of my own head space and live in the moments I have been given.

Summer Hiking in the Grand Canyon