The Neurotic Wanderer

A few weeks back I had the opportunity to hike to Vultee Arch in the Red Rock Secret Mountain Wilderness and it was one of the more magical hikes of that week. It's a trail that doesn't see too  many people since it's either a bit difficult to drive to or it can be a bit strenuous with significant elevation change, depending the side you come in from. My work rig is a 4x4 Rubicon, so I was able to pop in through the rough dirt road. The hike itself was short but well worth it. The colors this time of year have really been showing off and the morning was crisp and cool. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better day. Of course there was the customary baby diaper and oddly an old deflated balloon that got caught in the trees as well as some minor graffiti, but all in all, not too bad. I felt incredibly grateful. As I was hiking, I couldn't help but think of what a weird concept hiking actually is. We are all just wandering around out there with food and water, and

It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can