Death is the Ultimate Heartbreak
It has been over one year now since we lost Manuel. And not one day goes by that I can't help but think how much easier life would be if he were here to guide me through this treacherous game of life. And I can't help but thinking that if only I knew then what I know now, how I might have actually been of some help to him. It seems so unfair to be stuck with the "what ifs" and "if only", to be constantly reminded of my utter, and total failure. In the days after losing Manuel, there were a few people who in, so many words, stated all the things I should have done, or if only I had done this, or if they knew what all what going on, they would have done such and such better. Those words did and continue to fuel my self-hatred and loathing. I wish that I could be angry at those people, but what they said was true. There are one million things that I wish I would have done, things I truly believe would have resulted in Manuel still being here. But now all I can do is speculate.
Sometimes, I think about the heartbreak that I have endured in the past and any of the potential heartbreak that I might encounter in the future, and I honestly don't think any of it will ever compare to the loss of my brother. This time of year is difficult and it was far more difficult that I had thought it would be. I know that my friends and family surround me with love, but sometimes you can only verbally iterate how much you hate yourself before it becomes annoying even to your own ears.
I realize that Mental Health Awareness Month was a few months back, but I believe that the message carries strongest at this time of year. The seasons change and there is an obligatory sense of happiness which I know for some people can really trigger some dark emotions. I hope that I can use what small platforms I have to encourage people to stay strong, try to find joy in the small victories (sometimes, just leaving the house for an hour or so can be a big deal), touch base with someone who has fallen out of contact or to even just know that they are sick and not weak.
I am lucky in that I get to be outside everyday and that helps me to hike out my inner rage and helping people find their own trails helps me to feel useful. That has helped my own healing process quite a bit: comfort in solitude, solitude in nature. I hope that more people are able to get out there in public lands or whatever version of that feels right and let themselves feel whatever they need to feel; to heal and simply "be".
MC
Sometimes, I think about the heartbreak that I have endured in the past and any of the potential heartbreak that I might encounter in the future, and I honestly don't think any of it will ever compare to the loss of my brother. This time of year is difficult and it was far more difficult that I had thought it would be. I know that my friends and family surround me with love, but sometimes you can only verbally iterate how much you hate yourself before it becomes annoying even to your own ears.
I realize that Mental Health Awareness Month was a few months back, but I believe that the message carries strongest at this time of year. The seasons change and there is an obligatory sense of happiness which I know for some people can really trigger some dark emotions. I hope that I can use what small platforms I have to encourage people to stay strong, try to find joy in the small victories (sometimes, just leaving the house for an hour or so can be a big deal), touch base with someone who has fallen out of contact or to even just know that they are sick and not weak.
I am lucky in that I get to be outside everyday and that helps me to hike out my inner rage and helping people find their own trails helps me to feel useful. That has helped my own healing process quite a bit: comfort in solitude, solitude in nature. I hope that more people are able to get out there in public lands or whatever version of that feels right and let themselves feel whatever they need to feel; to heal and simply "be".
MC
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