The Neurotic Wanderer

So my two preferred methods of outdoor recreation are hiking and running. I do dabble in other things like leisurely bike rides with my family or playing basketball at the local park, but they aren't my normal go-to activities. I have been working quite a bit lately, but I have been trying to make time to be present in the outdoors. I just don't do well with self motivation, so I really have to set up accountability measures and tangible goals. For example, I recently reconnected with an old work friend. We would text periodically but hadn't really hung out in ages. So we decided to meet up for dinner one night and ended up creating these weekly hiking meet ups with each other. And while we don't make them every week, because life, we have been able to do a few hikes so far this year. Its been really nice to be able to talk and motivate each other in both our physical goals as well as personal goals. It has also been nice to share my struggle with finding healing and ...

Grand Canyon, View from Phantom Ranch (📷: Me) As I progress through my healing journey, I've vowed to not just shove down my feelings but rather address them and say them outlaid, thereby releasing their power over me. I know that sounds like some hippie shit, but it works. While I still maintain my mantra, that I love my brother and that he loved me; that what he did was his decision and not my fault, I still often think about the things that I could have done better and how I can do better for others with the knowledge I currently have. One topic that repeated comes to mind, and not exactly in the way one might think. Now despite having a male significant other, and a number of close male friends, I am usually the first to say that men are trash. I hate the double standard for men and women, the mansplaining, the entitlement, the overtalking, the slut shaming and the idea that they are more rational beings. I think that even the most "woke" male has some of thes...

Sedona as seen from Bear Mountain (📷: me) There were quite a few things from my vision board that I didn't get to in 2019, but I didn't forget about them. Then end of the year forced me to face a lot of things that I had repressed and decided to be a little more gentle with myself, so I'm choosing to focus on my goals for this year rather than what I did not accomplish last year. My focus this year is healing , so all of my tangible goals are all aimed at minimizing external pain points to allow me to hone in on the things that really make me happy. And with that, requires organization and a belief in manifestation. I was really conflicted on purchasing a planner this year and ultimately decided on using an old grid notebook from college and just customize it. I pulled inspiration from Erin Condren LifePlanners and Pinterest (of course) to create something that I feel is really suited to my needs. I can be a little.....intense so I needed something that allowed me...

That is me. I always assumed that it was someone else, easy to point the finger at someone I don't like, but after my most recently meltdown, I realize that the toxic family member is me. It has been over two years since I lost my brother and I seem to still just be stuck at the angry phase, the phase where I am angry at the world, angry at myself and everyone around me. Everyday I still think about what I should have done differently....or what if this person had done "this" so that it would have cascaded into a more positive outcome. I feel as though I haven't healed at all, like I am just going through the motions, finding these small pieces of happiness in my overall unhappy mindset. But maybe that is the healing process. Finding small  moments of happiness and stringing them together to outshine the bad bits. I eagerly await the day when I have moved beyond the angry phase in my grieving...but until then I suppose I have to come up with some healthier coping...